It’s an enviable problem to have: Lynn Toler, better known to millions of viewers as the “Judge Lynn” who presides over the long-running Fox Television program, Divorce Court , recently updated the photo for the cover of her often-sited autobiography, My Mother’s Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming An Emotional Genius, which has sold out of its first run and is now in its second printing. However, her oldest child’s blunt perspective put a slight damper on things.

“I was all excited. Showed it to my son who promptly says ‘Wow Mom, you look waaay older in this picture!’ My question is, true or not, was that even necessary? Nothing like family!”

You can say that again.

As one can imagine, Ms. Toler, who’s been a family advocate and practicing judge for nearly twenty of her 52 years, has presided over many couples’ arguments over homes, children and finances and is brimming with advice. And to being perfectly honest, the Cleveland native believes that many of the couples who come before her, with a little extra effort, probably could’ve avoided the trip.

“If you give a little bit and they give a little bit, it can work, but sometimes people are so angry by the time they get to my show that it’s too late to get back to rational and figure the whole thing out. It’s just not that serious.”

Are there any couples that stood before her that really worked her nerves? Ms. Toler confesses to one. “The one that I really remember was this couple where the guy had had a baby with his ex-girlfriend, and the wife was not nice to the little girl. She was honest in telling me that it was because of the way that she was conceived and I was just so upset with her mindset. I was hot. ”

But, back to her first book. It’s ironic that My Mother’s Rules is such a success, especially since Ms. Toler really had qualms about writing her story  to begin with. Filled with anecdotes about her early life, her struggles with marriage, step-parenting, depression, and her father’s battle with mental illness, ….Rules applies the lessons she learned along the way to some of her life issues and even a few court cases so that readers could relate to and learn from them. As pragmatic as the pages read, Ms. Toler admits that she still wrestled with revealing such private dilemmas.

“ It was very difficult for me because number one, my mother didn’t want me to do it. She never got upset about it, she just preferred that I hadn’t, but I think she’s happy that I did now,” she laughs. “I struggled telling my father’s part a little bit because  it was kinda like I was telling on him. He’d died during the time when I was writing the book, and I probably would’ve never done it while he was alive. But on the flip side, every time I go to book signing, at least one person comes up to me and says, ‘you know, in my house, it was my mother, my sister, or my brother.’ People are touched by mental illness: many can’t say it or talk about it, but the fact that I did makes them feel not so alone, and relieved because gave them an opportunity to speak about it, which unburdens them. I think I’ve helped enough people, just by speaking on it, that whatever concerns I had about betraying my father’s secrecy about his issues have been overwhelmed.”

Will she write a third book? Most likely, yes*. Her last one, the co-authored Put It In Writing! Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends, guides readers through conversations about loans, wills, leases and other touchy subjects, but she has another one in mind about life and relationships, especially about the mistakes she admits having made in her own marriage, namely not making more couple time for she and her husband when their sons were growing up.

“That’s one of the things that I did not do well that we’re still trying to recover from. If you don’t feed the marriage well, it will die. The stronger that is, the stronger the family is, and that’s what I learned by screwing up. It’s not a selfish thing, because when you solidify the marriage and you solidify the intimate relationship, you’re solidifying their entire familial circumstance. It increases the likelihood that you will stay together and will do so happily, so taking time for the two of you is really a gift to your children down the road.”

As far as any other parting wisdom she was willing to share, Ms. Toler offers a couple of other common-sense gems that will keep people out of the plaintiff/defendant spots awaiting her arbitration and happily watching from the audience:

“You can’t fix the other party; they are who they are. Know what you’re gonna deal with and what you’re not gonna deal with. You’re not perfect, but so don’t go out looking for someone who’s perfect. But you have decide what you don’t like about that person and can you deal with it long term. I’m still learning as I go, I don’t have it down pat just yet.”

*Ms. Toler’s third book, “Making Marriage Work: New Rules for an Old Institution,” was just released on Aug. 14 and will be reviewed soon.

http://www.unsignedthemagazine.com/content/unreel/lynntoler.html